Getting good at negotiating – unf*ck your mindset

Wouldn’t it be nice to be better at negotiating? Less fearless?
If you could ask for a bonus, a salary increase or a new job just like if you ordered a cup of coffee?

“I am just not a natural at negotiating”

Sometimes we use the excuse that we are not one of those people who are naturally good at negotiating. And so we don’t try. Thing is… most people aren’t naturally good at it. I was lucky to witness my dad on some occasions negotiating a better deal at the optician or when buying furniture, but most of the power I now have is what I worked up to.

Confirmation bias – the thing that stops you from negotiating

The single most important reason why people don’t get higher salaries is because they don’t ask for higher salaries. And they don’t ask in the first place because of their mindset. That could be ‘I am not sure I do a good enough job’, ‘I will be seen as pushy, ungrateful or uncomfortable’ etc. or they more generally see negotiations as difficult and scary. Now, if we believe negotiations are difficult, we are gonna avoid them (as we avoid other uncomfortable situations). That is the confirmation bias – confirming with our behaviour what we believe.

Unf*ck your mindset

I repeat the principle of the confirmation bias: you act based on what you believe. If you want to outsmart your confirmation bias, you need to change what you believe. If you believe negotiations are scary, you will avoid them. If on the other hand you are excited about negotiations, you will seek them out.

My first tip is to see negotiations for what they are: an opportunity to create a better outcome. Doesn’t this positive reframing already feel less scary? In reality, there is very little too loose. Asking for an increase will neither cost you to job (unless you decide that someone else values you more), nor leave you with less money than you already have.

Secondly, you will need to attack all your beliefs one by one.

1) Write them down (yes, all of them)
2) For each one find a more positive interpretation
3) To solidify: find concrete examples to support your new beliefs
Number 3 is the most critical of these points. Why? If you just reframe a negative thought to a more favourable one, it will feel like you are kidding yourself. So you need to find concrete, real life examples to convince yourself of the opposite. A heads-up: this is both annoying and difficult, but it works.

Here are 3 examples:

Negative, limiting assumption Positive belief (and evidence)
If I ask for a salary increase I am seen as greedy, unpleasant, demanding. If I ask for a salary increase I am seen as confident, assertive and knowing my worth. Or: I am seen as being able to also negotiate in other situations. One example where I demonstrated that was…. (evidence). 
I am not sure I deserve a promotion. My evidence that I have done an outstanding job this year:

  • I have created xy more in sales
  • I have taken on additional responsibilities (list them)
  • I have successfully completed
  • I have created more value for customers by …

Note: more salary is not a personal favour by the company. It’s an exchange for good performance. If performance or responsibility goes up, compensation should too. 
No one in my team has gotten an increase or I already earn more than others. I don’t think I can get an increase. I feel bad about others in my team.  I have evidence that I deserve an increase, what my team members earn is none of my concern. 

Note: Stay on your side of the fence. You can only take responsibility for your own salary.

Okay, can I practice or do more? 

Yeps. I am not the most salesy person but I like talking about this one with pride because I know it works. Clients think they need some elaborate negotiation tactics but actually it’s a solid preparation and confidence that gets you results.
If you are not interested in the program, try the above. Instead of doing it for salary increases, you can do it for any other tricky situation you’re in.
Enjoy!

Summary

The surest thing not to get a salary increase is if you don’t ask for it in the first place. This blog is about your mindset – the thing that gets you in the room.

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